On Kings and Queens

Rob, are you referring to the one in which the Burger "King" is superimposed over footage of what looks like a Niners/Cowboys game, feeling up the guy just before the hike? Or the ones where he turns up in really disturbing places, like bed? I wonder what kind of message Burger King is trying to get across here: We'll ply you with oily burgers until you've passed out into a food coma and won't notice when a man in tights and a plastic mask (potential inspiration for the villain in the next teenage slasher flick?) kills your wife and climbs into bed with you, shortly before he pulls out his French fry dagger of death and castrates you? The mind does reel.

On that note, check out subservientchicken.com. There, you'll find a chicken/gimp in an eerily amateur-porn-video-like setting willing to obey your every command, which you can type in and click "submit." Then watch the chicken/gimp bow to your every whim. The site also features photos of the chicken/gimp sprawled in various positions on a shabby red couch, exposing pretty much everything a chicken has to expose, which until now I believed was pretty much nothing. But thanks to Burger King -- in small type at the bottom of the page you'll read "© 2004 Burger King Brands, Inc. All rights reserved." -- chicken is the new kiddie porn. Are you listening, R. Kelly?

Anywho, to answer your question, Phil, how could I possibly think about going back to the whispering redwood forests and majestic cliffs of coastal Northern California when I've got pregnant teenagers and their small but surprisingly loud grandmothers in Queens?